[https://www.gottman.com/blog/look-partner-rose-colored-glasses-seriously/](https://www.gottman.com/blog/look-partner-rose-colored-glasses-seriously/)“I love it when…” - Try starting your sentences (even complaints) with “I love it when.” - For instance, instead of “Why haven’t we gone on a date recently?” try this: - “I love it when we go out together. Remember when we went to that restaurant that night? I had so much fun. Let’s do that again!” - Write down your appreciations - Try making a list of all the small things you notice your partner do or say. - Dr. Gottman encourages couples to catch their partner doing something right. - Start in the morning and continue through the evening as if you’re tracking their good habits. - For instance: made coffee, poured my cereal, called me in the afternoon, paid the bill after I forgot. - An awareness of these small moments builds a habit of mind of seeing your partner in a positive way. - When it is time to voice your appreciation, it will be easier to recall one moment out of many. - Of course, they may also be negative moments, but try to actively engage your mind in remembering the good ones. - Build up your partner - Find moments to tell your partner about how amazing, brave, and sexy a certain behavior has been. Here are some examples. - Did they collect old clothing for donation? “Babe, you’re so thoughtful and giving –not just to this family!” or, “Thanks for coming out shopping with me on Wednesday, even though it was boring for you, I’m glad you came.” - Your attitude is your responsibility. - You have the opportunity to adjust the narrative you want to tell yourself about the relationship. - This narrative is important because it affects the intensity of your arguments, and ultimately your long term-success as a couple. - Now, after doing these exercises, it becomes easier to state your complaint or positive need, because you have a perspective of your partner which may be more akin to the perspective they hold of themselves. - For instance, when you are in the positive perspective, you are more inclined to recall that you are asking someone for whom you’ve built up regard and love. - Within the context of appreciating your partner’s efforts all day, it feels easier to to approach your best friend with your needs from a place of warmth and affection.