SCRIPTS - Personality - Enneagram [https://www.enneagraminstitute.com/type-7](https://www.enneagraminstitute.com/type-7) - Recognize your impulsiveness, and get in the habit of observing your impulses rather than giving in to them. - This means letting most of your impulses pass and becoming a better judge of which ones are worth acting on. The more you can resist acting out your impulses, the more you will be able to focus on what is really good for you. - Learn to listen to other people. - They are often interesting, and you may learn things that will open new doors for you. - Also learn to appreciate silence and solitude: you do not have to distract yourself (and protect yourself from anxiety) with constant noise from the television or the stereo. - By learning to live with less external stimulation, you will learn to trust yourself. - You will be happier than you expect because you will be satisfied with whatever you do, even if it is less than you have been doing. - You do not have to have everything this very moment. - That tempting new acquisition will most likely still be available tomorrow (this is certainly true of food, alcohol, and other common gratifications—that ice cream cone, for instance). - Most good opportunities will come back again—and you will be in a better position to discern which opportunities really are best for you. - Always choose quality over quantity, especially in your experiences. - The ability to have experiences of quality can be learned only by giving your full attention to the experience you are having now. - If you keep anticipating future experiences, you will keep missing the present one and undermine the possibility of ever being satisfied. - Make sure that what you want will really be good for you in the long run. - As the saying goes, watch what you pray for since your prayers may be answered. - In the same vein, think about the long-term consequences of what you want since you may get it only to find that it becomes another disappointment—or even a source of unhappiness. - SCRIPTS - Listening - [What Great Listeners Actually Do - hbr.org](https://hbr.org/2016/07/what-great-listeners-actually-do?utm_medium=social&utm_campaign=hbr&utm_source=LinkedIn&tpcc=orgsocial_edit) - "Good listening included interactions that build a person’s self-esteem. - "The best listeners made the conversation a positive experience for the other party, which doesn’t happen when the listener is passive (or, for that matter, critical!). - "Good listeners made the other person feel supported and conveyed confidence in them. - "Good listening was characterized by the creation of a safe environment in which issues and differences could be discussed openly." - "Good listening included interactions that build a person’s self-esteem. - "The best listeners made the conversation a positive experience for the other party, which doesn’t happen when the listener is passive (or, for that matter, critical!). - "Good listeners made the other person feel supported and conveyed confidence in them. - "Good listening was characterized by the creation of a safe environment in which issues and differences could be discussed openly. - [ADHD Echo tracking for Inattentives – Jenn has ADHD - jennhasadhd.com](https://jennhasadhd.com/2021/01/13/echo-tracking/?fbclid=IwAR2XxBKfwQRWuLX6FKo-EE2d6lHB0S0ep9K4dHLZiXprorELdyq5RuIXzwU) - “I heard you say ____ did I get that right?” - “Is there more to know?” - “Did I hear you right when you said ___?” - “Please tell me what you heard me say?” - “Thanks for repeating that” - “Can I check that you meant.. ____” - “Could you paraphrase for me” - Thought Empathy: Let me see if I got what you just said. You told me that A, B, and C. (A, B, and C would be what the person said to you, using his or her words.) [https://feelinggood.com/2017/12/18/067-five-secrets-training-thought-and-feeling-empathy/](https://feelinggood.com/2017/12/18/067-five-secrets-training-thought-and-feeling-empathy/) - Disarm + Empathize + Assert + Stroke/Affirm + Inquire. - Empathize Assert Respect - Empathy = Disarm + Thought / Feeling Empathy + Inquiry - DISARM - Start–Agree. Find truth in what the other person is saying, even if it seems totally unreasonable or fair. - When you X, I feel X sounds blamey. We prefer disarming. Lead with "You're absolutely right. I could do X better. - ASSERT: Share your feelings - "I admit I feel Y and X." - "To be honest right now I'm feeling a little bit of shame." - "I notice that I'm feeling..." - When you share feelings, you become vulnerable and also invulnerable as you can't be put down - It's better to SHARE them than to ACT them out - Feeling Empathy: Notice other person's probable feelings. - Given what you just said, I can imagine you might be feeling X, Y, and Z. (X, Y, and Z would be words from the Feeling Words list.) - "You might be feeling anger"–Important to acknowledge anger so it doesn't escalate - STROKE–POSITIVE AFFIRMATION. Find something genuinely positive to say to the other person evem in the heat of battle - Convey an attitude of respect even though you feel angry - "I really care about you. I want to feel connected to you" - Combine Assertiveness with Stroking - INQUIRE at END : Did I get that right? Can you tell me more about what you've been thinking and feeling? - "I can imagine you might be angry/annoyed frustrated." Acknowledge the more vulnerable feelings: "disappointed, hurt, irritability, lonely" - Avoid problem solving. That's an error. The question is "Tell me more about how you're feeling. I want to hear all about your feelings" When you solve problems, you're running away from your feelings. The inquiry is the problem solving. - "This is important. This has happened more than once. Can you tell me more about how you're feelings and other times I've been insensitive?' - "The attempt to solve problems is the cause of all marital problems. The refusal to solve problems is the solution. It's a paradox." David Burns <https://feelinggood.com/2018/07/23/098-live-session-with-lee-part-3-the-rebirth/> - "You want to be like. You're right, I did raise my voice. It's hard for me to hear that. I was defensive. We're having this conversation. Not that I'm going to jump into a hole. When you throw yourself under the bus, it kind of shifts gears. It's self centered to do that" - "Every bit as challenging as learning to play the piano." - I'm sorry can be done in a functional or dysfunctional way. 90% of the time people say 'I'm sorry' they do so in a dysfunctional way. It's kind of like saying 'Shut up, I don't want to deal with your anger. I don't want to deal with your feelings. Let's stop talking about this.' - "You can say 'I'm sorry' in a functional way, in a loving way: 'I really owe you an apology right now. I'm shocked to see how my comment hurt your feelings. I wouldn't be surprised if you're feeling ticked off at me right now and hurt. I feel sad too because I love you, I care about you. I just screwed up. Can you tell me more about how you're feelings and other times I've been insensitive?' Now you've opened the door and willingness to listen " - Remember that you WILL screw up. - When you screw up: Inquire. Disarm. Stroke. Empathize. Assert. - Act AS IF <https://www.anxietybc.com/adults/how-tolerate-uncertainty> - Keep a record of all the times you were acting “as if” you were tolerating uncertainty. - Write down:What you didHow you felt while doing it (was it harder or easier than you thought?)What happened (did everything turn out alright?)If it did not turn out as planned, what did you do? - =========================================================== - !!SCRIPTS - CBT - ----------------------------------------------------------- - <https://feelinggood.com/2017/04/11/032-live-session-mark-agenda-setting-phase-part-4/> - Magic button - Name the positives of your issue. Why press the button and give up the positives Give voice to resistance and argue for change - Anxiety partly protects you. Anxiety is a form of self love, it's looking out for problems that might harm you . Paradoxical thoughts like "I'm defective" have good qualities. Having very high standards. [https://feelinggood.com/2017/04/11/032-live-session-mark-agenda-setting-phase-part-4/](https://feelinggood.com/2017/04/11/032-live-session-mark-agenda-setting-phase-part-4/) - Downward Arrow Technique: If this were true, what would it mean about me? Why does this matter to me? What would happen if this were true? What would happen next? - "This is a good one for shy people. You tell them to watch talk show hosts who make millions of dollars talking to strangers. They get the other person talking about themselves. They don't use I feel statements or talk about themselves Shy people make the mistake of trying to talk about themselves to impress others. Which only bores others. So you can train people to first practice how to talk to strangers." David Burns <https://www.stitcher.com/s?eid=55032856> - "Shy people are almost always ashamed of their shyness. That's a bigger problem then shyness itself. You give them the assignment of approaching strangers everyday. And they tell the stranger about their shyness. It's the hiding of the shyness that causes the problems" - "Instead of blaming them, you suddenly see your own role in the problem. Some people won't tolerate looking at their own role. If you're willing to do it, if you have the power to make your relationship terrible then you also have the power to make your relationship beautiful." - "There are tons of reasons that people resist and want to maintain conflict with each other." - "What happened was an unlucky situation (not personal), and really just a setback (not permanent) for this one [specific] , of many, goals (not pervasive)". - Three Forms of Reverse Hypnosis (Burns) - Depressive Hypnosis–I really AM defective and hopeless. - Anxiety Hypnosis–I am too fragile (or not ready) to confront my fears. - Relationship Problem Hypnosis–It’s not my fault. I am the victim. - Cost-Benefit Analysis (David Burns) - Describe the attitude, feeling, or habit that you want to change: - Advantages - Disadvantages - Problem Solution List (David Burns) - Problem -> Solution - Anti Procrastination (David Burns) - Task - Break into small steps - Predict difficult (0-100% - Predict satisfaction - Actual Difficulty - Actual Satisfaction - Five Secrets of Effective Communication - The Disarming Technique. Find the truth in the criticism. - Empathy. - –Thought Empathy. Paraphrase the other person’s words. - –Feeling Empathy. Acknowledge his or her feelings. - Inquiry. Ask gentle, probing questions. - "I Feel" Statements. Express your feelings openly, directly, and tactfully using “I feel X.” - Stroking. Convey liking or respect. - CBT David Burns - Step 1. Upsetting Event. If you want help with anxiety, describe a specific moment when you felt anxious. - Step 2. Emotions. Circle the words that describe how you’re feeling, and rate each feeling on a scale from 0% (not at all) to 100% (the worst). Put your ratings in the “% Before” column. - Step 3. Negative Thoughts.** Try to tune in to your negative thoughts. What are you telling yourself when you feel upset? Remember that each type of negative feeling will be associated with a specific type of negative thought. - What are the silent assumptions that dispose you to anxiety and depression - Step 4. Distortions. Identify the distortions in each negative thought, using the Checklist of Cognitive Distortions - Step 5. Positive Thoughts. Challenge each negative thought with a more positive and realistic thought. - Necessary Condition: The positive thought must be 100% true. - • Sufficient Condition: The positive thought must put the lie to the negative thought. - **Negative Thoughts - Anxiety, nervousness, or worry. You tell yourself that you’re in danger or that something terrible is about to happen. - • Panic. You tell yourself that you’re about to die, suffocate, pass out, lose control or go crazy. - • Embarrassment. You tell yourself that you looked like an idiot in front of other people. - • Shyness. You tell yourself that other people will see how nervous and insecure you feel and look down on you. - • Loneliness. You tell yourself that you’re unlovable and doomed to be alone forever - Depression. You tell yourself that you’ve lost something important to your sense of self-esteem. - • Hopelessness. You tell yourself that your problems will never be solved and that your suffering will go on forever. - • Guilt. You tell yourself that you’re a bad person and that you’ve violated your own value system. - • Shame. You tell yourself that other people will see how inadequate or bad you are and look down on you. - • Inferiority. You tell yourself that you’re not as good as other people or not as good as you think you should be. - • Worthlessness. You tell yourself that you’re inherently flawed or defective. - • Frustration. You tell yourself that the world should be the way you expect it to be. - • Anger. You tell yourself that other people are self-centered jerks who are treating you unfairly or intentionally taking advantage of you. - • Feeling trapped. You tell yourself that you have to give in to the demands of your spouse, lover, friend, or family member - Judge Your Neighbor by Byron Katie: - <http://thework.com/sites/thework/downloads/worksheets/JudgeYourNeighbor_Worksheet.pdf> - Example <https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KGmhqD_188M> - In a recurring stressful situation. Or a situation that recurs only in your mind - Who angers confuses you and why? - I am (emotion) with (name) because X - How do you want them to change? What do you want them to do? - I want (name) to X - What advice would you offer to them? - (name) should/shouldn't X - In order for you to be happy, wha tdo you need to think, say, feel, or do? - I need (name) to X - What d you think of them in this sitaution? Make a list. - What is it in or about this situation that you don't ever want to experience again? - The four questions: - Is it true? - Can You absolutely know that it's true? - How do you react, what happens when you believe that thought? - Who would you be without the thought - Turn the thought around - To the self: I ... - To the other I... to (name)... - to the opposite (Name) to me... - Find three specific examples of each turnaround that's true in the situation - - One Belief at A Time Worksheet - <http://thework.com/sites/thework/downloads/worksheets/onebelief_Eng.pdf> - Write down a stressful concept about someone (alive or dead) whom you haven't forgiven 100 percent. - Is it true? Can you absolutely know that it's true? How do you react, what happens when you believe that thought? - Does that thought bring peace or stress into your life? - b) What images do you see, past and future, and what physical sensations arise as you think that thought and witness those images? - c) What emotions arise when you believe that thought? (Refer to - the Emotions List, available on thework.com.) - d) Do any obsessions or addictions begin to appear when you believe that thought? (Do you act out on any of the following: alcohol, drugs, credit cards, food, sex, television, computers?) - e) How do you treat the person in this situation when you believe the thought? How do you treat other people and yourself?