- ["] [https://www.gottman.com/blog/transforming-criticism-into-wishes-a-recipe-for-successful-conflict/](https://www.gottman.com/blog/transforming-criticism-into-wishes-a-recipe-for-successful-conflict/) - ["] A–Speaking with Awareness - ["] T–Be Tolerant of Your Partner’s Perspective - ["] T–Transform Criticisms into Wishes - ["] [How to Build Trust in Your Relationship](https://www.gottman.com/blog/trust/?utm_source=facebook&utm_medium=social&utm_campaign=blog) - ["] Do you trust your partner because they haven’t let you down in any significant way? - ["] Is it because that trust has not yet been tested? - ["] Do you simply happen to be a trusting person? - ["] Is your trust based on some higher power or larger worldview? - ["] The reality is that trust is built slowly over time. The basis of trust is the idea of attunement. Consider the following acronym: - ["] Awareness - ["] Turning toward - ["] Tolerance - ["] Understanding - ["] Non-defensive responding - ["] Empathy - ["] Building trust [https://www.gottman.com/blog/what-to-do-if-you-dont-trust-each-other/](https://www.gottman.com/blog/what-to-do-if-you-dont-trust-each-other/) - ["] Acknowledge your feelings and practice being vulnerable in small steps - ["] Build confidence in being more open with your partner. - ["] Discussing minor issues (schedules or meals) is a great place to start before tackling bigger matters like disciplining kids or finances. - ["] Be honest and communicate about key issues in your relationship - ["] Be sure to be forthcoming about finances, your past, and concerns with a family member, co-workers, or children. - ["] Don’t sweep important issues under the rug because this can lead to resentment. - ["] Challenge mistrustful thoughts - ["] Ask yourself: is my lack of trust due to my partner’s actions, my own insecurities, or both? - ["] Be aware of unresolved issues from your past relationships that may be triggering mistrust in the present. - ["] Trust your intuition and instincts - ["] Have confidence in your own perceptions and pay attention to red flags. - ["] Be vulnerable and ask for reassurance if you feel mistrustful. - ["] Assume your partner has good intentions - ["] If he or she lets you down, it may just be a failure in competence–sometimes people simply make a mistake. - ["] Listen to your partner’s side of the story - ["] Believe that there are honest people in the world. - ["] Unless you have a strong reason to mistrust him or her, have faith in your partner. - ["] Practice having a recovery conversation after an argument - ["] Take a short break if you feel mioverwhelmed or flooded and set a time to process what happened. - ["] This will give you both time to calm down and collect your thoughts so you can have a more meaningful dialogue with your partner. - ["] [https://www.google.com/amp/s/amp.mindbodygreen.com/articles/how-to-trust-8-truths-to-know-if-youve-been-hurt-before--7617](https://www.google.com/amp/s/amp.mindbodygreen.com/articles/how-to-trust-8-truths-to-know-if-youve-been-hurt-before--7617) - ["] Acknowledge that broken trust is a universal. - ["] Let's start off with the undeniable truth: We all have reasons not to trust. - ["] What I mean by this is that we've all felt hurt, disappointed, rejected, scared, and abandoned. We have all suffered in some way, and we have all felt pain in relationships. - ["] Basically: We're all in the same boat. I say this because it's comforting to realize that we're not alone - ["] Trust does not come with guarantees, and that is OK. - ["] Trust is not about finding the perfect, trustworthy person. - ["] Trust is about signing up to work through hurt when it arises. - ["] If we relate to trust through this perspective, then trusting becomes much easier. - ["] All of a sudden, we shift from trying to avoid being hurt (which is impossible), to recognizing that we can move through anything that comes our way. - ["] This helps us feel empowered—and, therefore, a little more trusting and a little less fearful. - ["] Past hurt cannot justify future un-trust. - ["] Faith is the anecdote to trust issues. - ["] What can you do to get over trust issues? You can make an informed decision and go for it. - ["] Jump in and have faith. - ["] When you decide to trust someone, it means that you believe in that person's integrity. - ["] Trusting is knowing that ultimately this person's intentions are good. - ["] And it also means that you know that they are going to make mistakes - ["] You, too, will fall short in a relationship. - ["] When we're scared, we make mistakes. - ["] By mistakes I mean we hurt others, we don't act in our highest integrity. - ["] Fear makes us act out - ["] [https://blog.mindvalley.com/how-to-trust-again/](https://blog.mindvalley.com/how-to-trust-again/) - ["] Trusting others is having confidence that the decisions a person makes are based on love, consideration, and respect for you - ["] Trust yourself, on the other hand, means having the confidence and faith that the decisions you make on your behalf and toward others, are based on love, consideration, and respect for yourself and the other person. - ["] It means you stand firm on your values and follow through with integrity on your decisions. - ["] Be kind to yourself. Love yourself. - ["] Open the lines of communication. - ["] Commit to rebuilding the relationship. - ["] I am open to trusting my intuition. - ["] I am open to trusting my heart. - ["] And I am open to trusting another person. - ["] Don’t you trust that when you place an order at a restaurant, someone will bring you food? - ["] Think about all the little acts of trust that are performed every day. - ["] Become very observant. - ["] How do they treat other people? - ["] How do they talk about others? - ["] Do they gossip or share other people’s secrets? - ["] Try to be compassionate and forgive–not to condone the action, but to understand its source. - ["] Meditate often on the fact that you cannot control another person’s actions - ["] …But you can always control your response. - ["] You are in control of yourself. - ["] You can boost your self-esteem by always acting with integrity and honesty, always giving 100%, and believing that you are worthy of love, trust and respect. - ["] SCRIPTS - ["] Four Tendences - ["] Speaking to the four tendencies - ["] Enjoyed the audiobook of The Four Tendencies. It’s fun to notice the different ways individuals prefer to communicate and the philosophies behind them. The basic tips on how to match my expectations with what others are looking for. - ["] All tendencies respond to: Information + Consequences + Choice. How these are framed will be determined by how they view expectations: - ["] (1) The habits of “Upholders” involve caring most about what they personally believe ’should’ be done. Their biggest value is self command and performance. So they have an easy time accepting and follow rules–their own and the of others. Core habit forming belief: “This is something that should be done, I’ve got this” - ["] Upholders have high demands of themselves and others. At extremes this can lead to feeling discouraged about themselves. Using this as a strength means taking care about anger toward others for not meeting their standards. When working with an upholder, encourage them to accept a realistic view accounting the many contributing factors involved - ["] (2) The habits of “Questioners” rely most on justification and purpose. They want to know the reason for the guideline. Core habit forming belief: “”Why should I be doing this, give me reasons?” - ["] A questioner can behave like any of the other types depending on their reasons for action. When working with a questioner, take interest in their personal logic and align your goals with theirs. - ["] (3) The habits of “Obligers” mostly enjoy involvement in teamwork and duty. Core habit forming belief: "”Let me show you how well I can do this”. - ["] Obligers use personally accountabilty to others to drive their behavior. When working with an obliger, remind them of ways their contributions help others. - ["] (4) The habits of “Rebels” form around the freedom to do tasks their own way. They love self identity. Core habit forming belief: “I don’t have to, I have to want to.” - ["] Rebels respond when we appeal to their self defined identity. When working with an rebel, appeal to their sense of identity. Give them the advantages and disadvantages of their choices, then let them decide which downsides to accept. - ["] I’m a questioner. How about yourself? - ["] Upholders: What should be Done - ["] Discipline is my freedom. I can do what I want to do and what you want - ["] Do what's right. Just do it. - ["] "It's easier to get done what needs to be done" - ["] Self command, performance - ["] "This is something that should be done, I've got it" - ["] New Years Resolutions: Good at keeping them even if no one is watching - ["] I take commitments to myself and others seriously - ["] Frustrated that I can't take a break from rules - ["] Found it easy to stick to habits when no one cares - ["] Follow good habits even when inconvenient for someone else - ["] Support: You tried your hardest and that's the best anyone can do. - ["] Discplined even when it makes little sense. Discipline means freedom - ["] Relentless quality - ["] Often not questioning enough and will do blindly if tipped to obligers. Outer expectations trumpe inner - ["] If I want to help others, I have to help myself - ["] Tipped toward questioning: Do what makes sense to them - ["] Meet expectations because thats improtant to them - ["] Must articulate expectations for themselves. - ["] Argument with rules: X is more important than Y. Others understand and that's okay. - ["] Here are the rules follow them - ["] "I'm reminding you to X" - ["] Questioner/s: Justifications, Information, Logic, Efficiency, Own Facts, Deciding for Self - ["] Most Likely to Agree: I do what I think makes the most sense according to my judgment. Even if the rules or other people's expectations. - ["] Worth the effort to spell out justification: Why this task, why this way, why now - ["] Resist Arbitrary, ill informed and in effective - ["] Purpose - ["] But why? - ["] It's my way or the wrong way - ["] Justification leads to motivation - ["] I'll comply if you convince me why - ["] Prove it. - ["] Don't lose sight of why - ["] Blind obedience is servitude - ["] Decisions/Analysis Paralsys - ["] Clarity: Understand clearly why to meet an expectation in a particular way - ["] Follow the lead of someone you respect - ["] Restrict to trusted information sources - ["] Talk to respected family member - ["] Limit to one store that you trust - ["] Use deadlines to force a decision - ["] "Why should I be doing this, give me reasons?" - ["] Questioners show a deep commitment to information, logic, and efficiency. They gather their own facts, decide for theselves. They object to anything arbitrary, ill reasoned, and ineffecient - ["] A well explained and justified explanation works - ["] I do what I think makes the most sense. Even if that means ignoring the rules or other's expectations - ["] Questioners question everything - ["] Resistant expectations easily - ["] "Because questioners are inner-directed, once they have their mind up they follow through without much difficulty. They resist expectations without much difficulty too. they have the self-direction of upholders, reliability of obligers, and authenticity of rebels. Questioners may question the most basic customs and assumptions: Do I want to be married? If you're my boss, do I have to do what you tell me to do? Why shouldn't children be allowed to curse like adults? For questioners, it's crucial that an expectation seems reasonable and justified. They resist rules for rule's sake." Gretchen Rubin, The Four Tendencies - ["] New year resolutions: Any time is right. Arbitrary date - ["] Commitment if it makes good sense - ["] Constant need for expectation exhausts me - ["] Research and customization - ["] I do what makes sense according to my judgement, even when it breaks rules. - ["] Questions validity - ["] The reason for the rule - ["] "THe reason is X" - ["] "It's easier to let others down than to let myself down" - ["] Obligers: Accountability - ["] "It's easier to let myself down than to let others down." - ["] Teamwork and duty - ["] "Let me show you how well I can do this" - ["] Resolutions: Struggled in the past - ["] If someone else knows - ["] Habits only when answerable - ["] Puts others first - ["] Take time for people not myself - ["] Commitments to myself can be broken - ["] Sometimes describe as a people pleaser - ["] Remind that others know - ["] "I'm counting to you to X" - ["] "I'm watching for X" - ["] Rebels: Freedom to do their own way - ["] Self Identity - ["] Enjoys and don't minds breaking rules - ["] "Don't tell me I have to" - ["] Can't do it because someone wants it - ["] I bind myself to commitments as little as possible - ["] Resolutions: Hate to bind myself - ["] Commitments to myself can be broken - ["] It's up to you - ["] "Do you feel like doing X" - ["] All tendencies: Information + Consequences + Choice. Appeal to Identity - ["] One small aspect of personality and character. Different questioners can be different in neuroticism, introversion, different values. - ["] Meant to help understand deeply. Not a label to determine everything. Show ourselves and others more compassion. Nothing wrong and others are like us. See how they see the world differently. - ["] Learn to work with your strengths and offset the problems - ["] How to get others to do what we want. Work with others - ["] Tip of overlapping tendency - ["] Weaknesses are just areas that we want to work on - ["] Upholders: Self directed. Eager to meet rules and targets. May become uneasy when expectations are not clear. Embrace routine, struggle with changes. Rigid. - ["] May not engage with other tendency. They don't need reasons or accountability - ["] Keep promises. - ["] Anxious when rules are broken - ["] Questioners: Stubborn, insubordinate. Need to learn to ask with kindness. Analysis paralysis. Learn to act without having perfect information. Limits & Deadlines to be more effecient. Trusted advisors who they respect. Practicality. - ["] At work: Reason, information and efficiency. May drain. Seem uncooperative or not a team player. Trouble with thin skinned coworkers. Follow authority only if they trust - ["] Dislike arbitrary. Need a why. Resist arbitrary and shoulds. - ["] Analysis paralysis. Want perfect information which prevents decisions. - ["] Strategies: Deadlines. Limits. Must have robust explanations. - ["] Not because "I say so" or "That's the rule" - ["] "Why should I have to do this job?" - ["] "Try this and see what you learn about yourself" - ["] Customize - ["] Your own goal is reason enough. Doing it for your reasons - ["] Even if it's arbitrary, getting the goal justifies this way. - ["] Look for another level of justification. Does it make sense for me for my own reasons? - ["] "Do what I must so I can do what I want" - ["] Obligers: Frustrated because they struggle to meet inner expectations. Often taken advantage. People around obligers need to make sure work is evenly distributed, that breaks are built in, and that burn out doesn't happen - ["] Meeting commitments to others. Will do for client, patient, customer. Need supervision, deadlines - ["] Struggle with open ended. Trouble setting limits. Prone to resentment - ["] Must have help with self-care set by others as an expectation. - ["] Rebel: Person you want to be. Information Consequences choice. Allow negative consequence to happen. Can't fix and rescue - ["] High value on thinking outside of the box - ["] Do not respond well to advice and over site. Resist routines - ["] Feel ordinary rules don't apply to them. - ["] Thrive with expectations to push against. - ["] Choose to act out of love. - ["] Don't interfere. Don't suggest time, nag, or remind. - ["] [[Scripts - ["] Bystander]] - ["] [[Scripts - ["] Big Ideas]]